The Gatekeepers by Jen Lancaster

Author:Jen Lancaster
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Harlequin
Published: 2017-10-19T04:00:00+00:00

24

OWEN

“Buddy? You in there?”

My dad turns on the light and enters my room when I don’t answer his knock. He’s still dressed for work, wearing what he calls “venture capital casual.” His navy chinos have a razor-sharp crease down the front, his checkered plaid shirt’s custom-made by an English tailor, and his sweater vest is vicuna, which comes from some kind of llama in Peru and costs ’bout as much as a trip down there.

He and I have the same untamed curls—we look a lot alike, actually—but he keeps his hair clipped real close to control it. For the amount of effort I’ve put into grooming lately, I’d have dreds now whether or not I wanted them.

“Why are you in the dark, pal?” my father asks. He never comes in here, so this is kinda odd. He sort of has to wade through all the debris on my floor before he reaches me. He sits on the end of my bed, real formal-like, probably to keep his pants nice.

“I fell asleep,” I say, but that’s a lie.

Truth is, after the sun went down, I just didn’t have the energy to switch on a light. I thought it was around dinnertime but it must be late if he’s finally home.

Did I somehow drift off?

I don’t sleep now. Can’t. The insomnia’s almost crippling. Plus, every time I shut my eyes, I have visions of a speeding commuter train. I see an empty shoe by the side of the tracks. And on those rare occasions that sleep comes, my dreams are violent and terrifying. In them, I’m either trapped or climbing a hill that grows taller with every step I take. I don’t ever reach the summit, yet I can’t stop my ascent, either. It’s torture. In sleep, I’m Sisyphus, perpetually trying—and failing—to shove that boulder.

Every day I look like I’ve been punched because the circles under my eyes are black. Now they match how I feel. At least people are leaving me alone finally. Suspect my hygiene makes it easier for everyone to avoid me. Wasn’t intentional, but seems to be working so I’m rolling with it.

At first, everyone at school was all, “We want to be there for you.”

Why?

I’m still here.

We shoulda been there for Braden.

Simone was relentless for the first couple of weeks, couldn’t understand why I didn’t want to talk, why I wouldn’t let her in. It’s not that I don’t want to be around her; it’s that I don’t deserve to be around her.

I don’t deserve to have something nice going on in my life. I don’t deserve affection. I don’t deserve love. So I had to be so shitty with her that she’d finally stop trying to come around. It’s gonna be a long time before I can even think about girls again.

I’ve given up everything that I like, everything that brings me joy. I don’t listen to music. Haven’t touched my camera, my guitar, my computer, etc. in weeks. Mostly I just hang out on the bleachers when I’m not in class.

Download

Copyright Disclaimer:
This site does not store any files on its server. We only index and link to content provided by other sites. Please contact the content providers to delete copyright contents if any and email us, we'll remove relevant links or contents immediately.